


Close My Eyes

by haileyyanneupton



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:35:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26789071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haileyyanneupton/pseuds/haileyyanneupton
Summary: After a hard case, Jay and Hailey do 'their thing.' Their thing leads to a confession that is sure to change their lives.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	1. Close My Eyes - Part One

She had known for a while that he was her world. The way he looked at her made her stomach do backflips, every time his hands brushed up against her she would feel the tingling linger for what felt like forever. She would catch herself thinking about him all the time — after working herself into the independent and self-assured person she was, the fact that he was consuming her every thought was infuriating.

It had been a hard few days for Hailey. The intelligence unit had been working on a case involving a family who had been the subject of a robbery-turned-homicide where only one person survived — the seven year old daughter. Hailey had been the first one on the scene along with Vanessa after the two of them had offered to work patrol one night, the two women being the ones to discover the massacred mother and children. The mother had been raped and the surviving daughter sexually assaulted, leaving the intelligence unit to take on the case right after the crime scene was cleared.

"There was nothing we could have done, Hailey," Vanessa reminded the blonde haired woman gently after finding her standing over the sink in the locker room later that day. "They were gone before we even got there."

"There's a little girl who's all alone now. What's going to happen to her? She's only going to be thrown into the system and forgotten about — you of all people should know that."

"I do know that, but it still doesn't make it any more your fault."

"Maybe not. But I'm still the one who had to break the news to her today."

Vanessa frowned at the woman as she rubbed circles on her back comforting before giving Hailey some time alone, not knowing that Jay had been inadvertently eavesdropping from the other side of the lockers. As he came out and around, making his presence known, he watched as Hailey stared sadly into the basin as droplets of water fell from the forever leaky faucet. 

She had always been there for him when he was going through a hard time. From flashbacks from his time in Afghanistan to when his father had passed away, his partner Hailey Upton could always be counted on for support. Hailey wasn’t one to show her emotions — Jay knew that — so seeing her standing here the way she was, so stressed and upset. . . it broke his heart. In more ways than she would ever know. 

“Hey,” Jay’s voice was soft as he called out to his partner lightly. “You okay?”

Hailey flinched in surprise, though the motion was so slight that only she had noticed it. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”

Jay seemed unconvinced, but the man didn’t want to push it. Hailey already seemed fragile enough to him since this case had started — it seemed that it had well and truly shaken her to the core. 

“Well, you. . . you know if you. . . if you need anything. . .”

“I know.” Hailey forced a smile towards her partner as she ran her hands through her hair, turning to face him. “Thanks, Jay.”

As Hailey went to walk out of the locker room, Jay placed a hand on her shoulder in passing causing her heart to pound inside of her chest. At a time where it was crucial that she was on her a-game, a time where she needed to concentrate on solving the case, all she could think about was Jay and how much she was in love with him. How much she didn’t want to be in love with him, yet how much she loved being in love with him — the word love was floating around far too much in the woman’s mind. Never had she ever felt so vulnerable around another person, but with Jay — it was like her walls were melting down like hot wax and she wasn’t even aware of it. 

In the end, the seven year old that Hailey and Vanessa had found at the house ended up having an aunt back in Indiana came and picked her up. Despite the fact that she knew now that the little girl had luckily avoided the system, despite the fact that they had put the guy who did this behind bars, Hailey still found herself feeling uneasy. She knew it was partly because of her feelings for Jay looming over her — after all, that one had been sticking around since before the case started — but the other part was something that left her hands shaky. You see some bad cases on the job — particularly in intelligence — but this one had hit her like a freight train and then dragged her heart along for the ride. The other part of what was leaving Hailey feeling unsteady was what she had seen that day with Vanessa. And while Vanessa could process it by talking to people about it, (Hailey knew that ‘people’ really meant Kevin though, and all of the nights she had come home after midnight after ‘talking’ really meant something else) Hailey wasn’t one to do that. She hadn’t ever been one to do that. In a way, it made her feel like a hypocrite — a quality she hated about herself.

Hailey was sitting at home alone one night later that week, part of her missing Vanessa as she went to go and ‘talk’ to ‘people’ for the third night in a row, when a knock sounded at the door. It had caught her off guard to say the least, the noise echoing through to her bones as she instinctively felt for the gun holstered on her hip, resting a hand atop of it just in case. It was always just in case with Hailey.

Keep a bottle of hand sanitiser in your locker just in case you need to clean your hands in a pinch. Keep an extra box of tampons in your purse just in case you, or someone else needs one. Keep a pocket knife in your shoe in case you need to cut something open. Keep your gun on you just in case someone attacks you. Keep your guard up just in case someone tries to stab you in the back. Keep other people out in case you hurt them. 

Just in case.

The last one always seemed to do more damage to her than to others, but Hailey could live with that. She had lived a solitary life for so long, pushing away everybody — particularly the men — in her life for so long that whenever she considered letting someone in, alarm bells started ringing and her brain flashed red. 

When she didn’t answer right away, the person at the door knocked once more, this time with a bit more force as Hailey snapped out of her trance and cautiously headed to the source of the noise. Standing up on her tip-toes to look through the peephole, the face of her partner staring back at her bought her anxiety down for a moment, before it peaked at an all time high once more. This was the first time since she had realised her feelings for the man that he had been to her house. Her house. Alone. 

“Well, are you going to let me in, or am I going to have to get hypothermia first?”

A small chuckle escaped Hailey’s lips as she unlocked the deadbolt on the door and opened it up just wide enough for the man to come inside, a dusting of snow from the cold Chicago winter covering his dark hair. As the door closed once again with a distinct click, Hailey took notice of the bag in Jay’s hand and glanced between him and said bag with an eyebrow cocked. 

“I bought drinks, but we’ll talk about that later. For right now, I want to know if you seriously were going to see how long you could make me stand out there before my heart stopped and I froze to death. Because if you were, well. . . that’s not very nice.”

Hailey rolled her eyes at Jay playfully. “Yes, I took a while getting to the door because the world just revolves around you. I couldn’t possibly be doing something that didn’t involve waiting for you, Jay Halstead.”

“I knew it,” Jay grinned toothily. “Anyway — I bought us some beers. Figured you wouldn’t mind the company considering Vanessa has vanished into thin air again.”

“She’s with Kevin.”

“She told you that?”

“Oh, hell no. I just know.”

Jay shook his head with a smile. “Of course you do.”

Hailey ran her hands through her hair before resting her hands on her waist comfortably, glancing up at Jay for only a moment before her gaze fell back down to her feet. Deep down, she knew why he had come. She hadn’t hidden the effect this case had had on her as well has she’d hoped, but she still wanted to ask.

“Why. . . Why are you here, Jay?”

Her attempt at making her question sound less harsh than it was failed miserably as his expression changed slightly, the sparkle in his eyes dimming as he stared at her with a hurt expression.

“I was worried about you,” he answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I guess I wanted to check in on you.”

“Thanks, but I don’t need a babysitter.”

The sparkle dimmed some more. “I know you don’t, Hailey. I never said you did. Sometimes it’s nice to have company when you’re going through something — you’re the one who taught me that, remember?”

Hailey didn’t answer, instead shifting her weight awkwardly as she favoured her other leg and bought her hand up to her opposite arm, rubbing it absentmindedly.

“I’m okay, Jay. You can go home, enjoy your night. We just closed a case, you shouldn’t have to listen to me.”

“Are you kidding?” Jay moved closer to Hailey, their shoulder’s nearly touching. “Hailey, I’d listen to you talk about anything any day of the week. I just — I want to know you’re not forcing yourself to deal with this by yourself.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Jay. I don’t know what to say. I’m figuring some stuff out.”

“How about a beer and a friend while you do?”

He was trying so hard. She could see that. Hesitantly, Hailey obliged to the man’s request as she nodded her head lightly, the sparkle re-igniting in his eyes. As Hailey and Jay both went further into the woman’s house, heading into the kitchen, they both took seats beside each other at the kitchen island as Jay pulled out the beer he had bought. It wasn’t overly cold but thankfully wasn’t room temperature either — it was just right for Hailey, who had always run cold already, especially in the winter. 

Dropping the bottle cap on the island, the circular object making a metallic sound as it spun for a second or two before settling, Hailey bought the bottle to her lips and took a swing. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her partner struggling to open up his own bottle which provided great amusement to the woman as she simply watched him try and fail. Finally he ended up sliding the bottle over to her with a pout, huffing when Hailey managed to open it on the first try without hassle.

“Show off,” Jay whined as she slid the bottle back over to him. 

Hailey smirked at the man. “Grow some muscles then. Or are the ones you have just for show?”

“Don’t insult my muscles!”

Hailey cracked a smile as she and Jay shared in a laugh, each of them taking another swig of their respective beer bottles before Jay cleared his throat to begin to speak. 

“Do . . . Do you . . . I mean you don’t have to but. . . do you wanna talk about it?”

Hailey reclused back into her shell. “About what, Jay?”

“What’s bothering you. This case. Anything.”

A small yet still shaky sigh escaped her lips as she debated taking the man up on his offer. She wanted to get it out of her system — she needed to — but it was like she was repeatedly hitting some kind of brick wall every single time she tried. Start slow, she thought. Build up to it.

Slowly, she turned her head to face her partner but still refused to meet his gaze which held nothing but concern — though she didn’t know that. Jay just wanted her to be okay. He knew what it was like.

“What do you see when you close your eyes?” Hailey started, biting down on her lip nervously. “Because at the moment, all I can see is those kids dead on the floor. The bruises on that seven year old’s thighs. Blood. God, there. . . there was so much blood, Jay.”

Hailey bought a hand up to her mouth as she fought like hell to keep her tears at bay, Jay taking notice of the whites of her eyes slowly but surely turning red like they always did when she was about to cry. Jay had seen it only a few times before, but nonetheless — it was unmistakeable. 

Jay placed a hand on Hailey’s hand, lacing his fingers in with hers as he gave it a quick squeeze for comfort. “It’ll be okay, Hails. It’s not your fault.”

“I thought once there was somebody who wasn’t me to blame, it would be easier. But it’s not.”

“I know.”

Hailey took another sip of her beer as she turned her head away, the tears that had been collecting having no other place to go but down her cheeks. Once the tears fell it was as if the floodgates opened, a hiccuping sob taking her off guard. As if it were an automatic response, Jay stood up and wrapped his arms around Hailey from behind as she sunk into him. 

She couldn’t help but think about how safe she felt with Jay. How perfectly their bodies melted together as if they were made for each other. 

As his arm rested across her chest, holding her close to him, he couldn’t help but think about how much he never wanted to stop holding her. Because when she was close to him, he felt full and complete — when she wasn’t, the emptyness stabbed his heart like a knife over and over and over again. 

“I’m sorry,” Hailey muttered out between her strained, quiet cries. “I’m sorry, Jay.”

“Hailey, don’t be sorry.” His voice was soft and tender as his chin naturally found it’s place on her shoulder, the chair she was sitting on giving her a height advantage she wouldn’t normally have. “I’m here as long as you want me to be, alright?”

Hailey nodded lightly in response. She knew she wasn’t thinking straight, she knew she was probably going to regret what she was about to do. In fact, she probably should have called ahead to Platt to have her transfer papers drawn up. But before she could talk herself out of it, Hailey hastily wiped her tears from her face before peeling Jay off of her and turning to the man with an anxious expression. 

“Jay,” she began, her heart pounding so hard she could feel it pulsing throughout her entire body. “I need to tell you something.”

His eyebrows formed a V shape as he tilted his head ever so slightly. “Yeah?”

“Please just promise me that you won’t hate me even though you probably have every right to and —“

“Hailey, just tell me. I couldn’t ever hate you.”

She gripped onto the kitchen island beside her, feeling weak as the words spilled out of her.

“I think — I think I love you, Jay. And I know you don’t feel the same, and I know that this probably changes everything between us, but I can’t pretend it’s not there anymore. Not when you’re hugging me the way you were and making me fall more in love with you with every second. You don’t even realise you’re doing it!”

Jay met Hailey’s eyes for a moment before looking away. 

“I never got to answer your question about what I see when I close my eyes.”

Hailey grimaced at the man’s statement, her eyes filling with tears and her heart preparing to shatter. He was changing the subject — he didn’t feel the same way. He was avoiding what she had said completely, pretending the words hadn't left her mouth.

“Really, Jay? If you’re going to —“

“Hailey, stop,” Jay placed a hand on her shoulder as she shrugged it off. “Do you want to know what I see when I close my eyes?”

Jay was met with silence as Hailey stared at a fixed spot on the wall.

“It’s you, Hailey. It’s been you since the first time I ever saw you."


	2. Close My Eyes - Part Two

“It’s you, Hailey. It’s been you since the day I first met you.”

The second the words left his mouth that night, it was as if time froze in place. Hailey couldn’t help but stare into Jay’s eyes as he did the same, her heart squeezing in her chest with a million different emotions that were trying to rush through her body all at the same time. Everything was silent — but the good kind of silent, the peaceful kind — everything motionless except for Jay and Hailey. She didn’t know what to say, neither did he. But what they did know was that they didn’t want their romance to be born out of the sadness that still lingered in the room. After verbalising her feelings to Jay, who agreed wholeheartedly, Hailey already had a good feeling about what was to come — none of her ex-partners had ever made her feel so safe, so comfortable that she could communicate as freely as she could with Jay. It was a good sign, leaving the two optimistic when Jay left later that night though it was made very clear that the conversation wasn’t over, nor were they on bad terms. For the first time in far too long, Hailey felt a glimmer of hope within her heart. 

They took it slow at first, not wanting to rush into things in case it wasn’t what they wanted after all. Monday nights became designated movie nights for the new couple, and despite the fact that Hailey always insisted that she would be able to make it through the entirety of whatever film they had chosen that night, she would always fall asleep with her head against Jay’s chest and the bowl of popcorn they had been sharing in her arms every single time. Jay didn’t mind though — not one bit. She was a surprisingly heavy sleeper, meaning he could finish the movie before he too fell asleep on the couch, nothing but a blanket draped over the two of them as they slept through until the early hours of the morning. Jay took the time to admire the woman, running a hand through her hair absentmindedly as he studied every inch of her face, her lips and even her long eyelashes that would tickle him when they pressed their foreheads together and kissed each other goodbye in the morning. He was infatuated with her, with every part of her — this was what he wanted. 

Hailey found herself staring at Jay from afar while he went about daily tasks. He was intoxicating, like a drug, making her feel euphoric whenever she was near him. She’d watch him pour a cup of coffee, watch him pin clues up at work. Everything he did was just so captivating — she could watch him forever and never get bored. And when he would catch her staring at him, he’d shoot her this lopsided smirk that made her heart go crazy, squeezing and pulling with the upmost force as she forgot how to breathe momentarily. Hailey had always been one to appreciate the grace and beauty in others — Jay was no exception.

Vanessa and Trudy had a great time when it came to discussing Jay and Hailey. Both of them knew what was going on despite the fact that Jay and Hailey hadn’t said a word about it to any other living soul, but both Officer Rojas and Sergeant Platt were just too good. They saw the looks. The smiles. Vanessa even caught the two of them just holding each other one time in the locker room after Jay had been shot at for the millionth time while working a case — it had really freaked Hailey out to know that the man she had fallen for could be taken away from her at any moment. 

“Look at them.” Trudy rolled her eyes playfully as she turned to Vanessa who was standing beside her behind the desk as the pair of them looked over at Jay and Hailey. “Unbelievable.”

“If I catch them kissing, then I’m going to be simultaneously grossed out and very happy for them.”

“Why’s that, Rojas?”

“Because Jay and Hailey are my unofficial parents and I’m an unofficial child. Therefore kissing passes on cooties, and that makes kissing gross.”

“Right, because you and Kevin totally aren’t —“

“Oh crap! I think I left the oven on at Hailey and I’s place, and if it burns the house down then I’m in big trouble. Gotta go, Sarge.”

Slowly, more people ended up finding out. First, it was Kim, then Adam, then Kevin after Vanessa had accidentally blabbed to him. Before they could do anything, practically everybody knew except Voight — well, that was until Voight silently slid a set of HR forms onto their desk one morning with a smirk before going on about his daily business. Jay in particular knew that was their boss’s way of giving them his blessing, the gesture one that made them all let out a breath they hadn’t known they were holding. Kim had said something at Molly’s about Voight kicking all of their asses when he found out that the rest of the unit and half of the patrolmen knew, but both Hailey and Jay had a theory that he was simply turning a blind eye to it for as long as he could to save himself the paperwork. Voight wasn’t exactly the kind of guy who enjoyed that side of the police work.

Still taking it slow, Jay and Hailey started spending more and more time outside of work together. Some days, he would stay at her house while other’s would be spent with the two of them at Jay’s. Hailey knew that on days that she was at her partner’s house, Vanessa loved it because she could invite Kevin over and they’d have the place to themselves. Jay loved it too — being able to wake up in the mornings after sleeping the entire night peacefully with Hailey by his side, her hair skew across her face and onto the pillow messily was perfect. Everything about her was perfect. Hailey knew that the sleep she was getting beside Jay was the best sleep she had ever gotten — being in his arms made her feel safer than she ever had before. She had always been a light sleeper — growing up in a house where you had to watch your back all the time to avoid being hit would do that do you — but when she was with Jay, she could let her guard down. She didn’t have to worry about anything while she was with Jay — if she could have it her way, she’d never leave his side.

One night, the Intelligence unit had gone out for drinks in celebration of closing a case they had been working for over a month. Adam had bought a round of tequila shots to start off the night, a decision that only ended in chaos for anybody who wanted to stay at least a little bit in control of the words coming out of their mouth that night. An hour in and Hailey was already three shots and a bourbon down, Jay coming in close behind with two shots and a beer. While Kim was definitely the drunkest out of everybody at Molly’s, the woman dancing with her arms wrapped around Adam’s neck while Kevin and Vanessa laughed at the two from the pool table. Hailey and Jay sat up at the bar for hours, long after everybody else had left as the couple got lost in conversation. Though they had started off talking about their opinions on different drinks, soon enough they had migrated to the topic of them, together. 

“What — what even are we?” Jay asked, his words slurring into each other ever so slightly as he took another sip from his beer bottle. “Are we friends with benefits? Boyfriend and girlfriend? I never know what to say because we’ve never talked about it.”

“I don’t know. I don’t care. I like what we are. Who says we need a label? We’re Jailey and — Hay — Hailey and Jay.” 

Jay let out a small chuckle at Hailey’s drunken name-mix-up, his eyes twinkling in admiration. “I know, but. . . I wouldn’t be opposed to being your boyfriend if — if that’s what you wanted.”

“It wouldn’t be so bad to be your girlfriend, either.” Hailey’s cheeks flushed red. “It’s about time, hey? We’ve only been seeing each other for six months.”

Jay and Hailey shared in a laugh as they caught each other’s eyes, staring for a while as they each took in the moment. Things had gotten so much better since they had stopped fighting their feelings and instead embraced them — a heavy weight had been lifted off of both of their chests. 

“Hey Herrmann,” Hailey called out to the man behind the bar as she broke her gaze away from Jay’s eyes. “You still have that gumball machine thing that gives you a plastic ring with a cartoon character on it that Otis bought?”

“'Course I do,” Herrmann nodded over at the blonde. “I still don’t know why he bought that thing. Nobody ever used it except for him — I’m just glad I didn’t pay for it. It’s in the back. . . I couldn’t get rid of it.”

Hailey shot a sympathetic look over at the man. “Do you mind if I use it real quick?”

“Be my guest, Detective,” Herrmann picked up the towel he was using to wipe down the bar as he threw it over his shoulder and gestured for the woman to follow him. 

Hailey smirked at the bewildered look on Jay’s face as the followed the firefighter into the storeroom, the man pointing at the red machine with a knowing expression. As Hailey fed in a dollar, out came a round ball with a Mickey Mouse ring inside of it, taking it into her hand as she thanked Herrmann and came back out to Jay, who was waiting patiently.

“What are you planning?” Jay teased lightly, his head tilted to the side curiously as Hailey pulled the ring from the plastic ball. “Wait a minute — isn’t this meant to be my job? Why are you proposing to me with a Mickey Mouse ring?”

“Okay firstly, I’m not proposing. We just established the fact that we’re girlfriend and boyfriend, so don’t get ahead of yourself. Secondly? Shut up and let me be romantic for once, you idiot.”

Jay pretended to zip his lips with a laugh as Hailey began.

“I never thought I would meet someone who makes me feel as amazing as you do. Every time you’re around me I feel safe and warm and I can never stop smiling, even if most of the time it’s because I’m laughing at the dumb things you do. Right before I fall asleep at night, just as my eyes close, I see you and your smile and your eyes and I wouldn’t have it any other way. With this Mickey Mouse ring, I promise to be yours and only yours, forever. Even if we’re taking it slow right now, I’m still just as in love with you as I was yesterday and as I’ll be tomorrow, Jay Halstead.”

Though the ring didn’t even fit halfway down his finger, neither Jay or Hailey minded too much. Jay pulled Hailey up onto his lap as he kissed her, Hailey wrapping her arms around his neck loosely before her head found the crook of his neck with a goofy, slightly inebriated grin. The alcohol had washed away all of her anxieties and inhibitions, leaving her to be able to say what she wanted to say to the man without restraint. 

“Hailey Anne Upton,” Jay started, his voice only loud enough for her to hear as he whispered by her ear. “Every single day that I spend with you, you teach me something new. Today, you taught me that no matter what happens, no matter how crazy things get — I’ll be fine as long as I stick by your side.”

Hailey scrunched up her nose as she tilted her head back slightly to look up at Jay, his arm still cupping her hip to stop her from sliding off of his leg. Jay bent down just a little bit as the couple pecked each other’s lips lovingly.

“I love you.”

“I love you."


End file.
